A transgender child is a child, not a political position.
My friend had a baby girl and was all excited about ribbons and curls and ponytails and pretty dresses. But from age two, her daughter refused dresses, rejected anything girly, and kept saying “I’m a boy.” My friend thought her daughter was being creative and independent, although she was kind of disappointed about the ribbons and curls.
One day a very conservative friend picked the child up from school and brought him in saying, “Oh my God, he’s a boy – he’s a real boy.” She is the last person I would have expected to say that, but she does know kids.
My friend didn’t want to think her girl was actually a boy. From the outside it sounds strange that a parent wouldn’t want their child to be who they are, but once you’re a parent, of course you don’t want your child facing a difficult path. But when her child was around six or seven and became almost suicidal, constantly saying “I’m a boy, I’m a boy,” she realized this was a very big deal.
This whole experience was eye opening. The child was suicidal by the time the parents really understood. I’m close to the family, and I understand. It was hard for everyone.
Biology is far more complicated than the simple XX/XY model most of us learned as children. Gender is more complex than most people realize: 1 in 400 people are born with atypical sex chromosomes, and that’s only the chromosomes themselves. Biological sex involves chromosomal, genetic, hormonal, and developmental factors, and research is still catching up to that complexity.
People talk about “trans athletes” as though every situation is identical. It isn’t. An 8-year-old playing soccer and an 18-year-old competing at an elite level are different situations. Different sports have different physical demands. Organizations already make distinctions based on age, development, and the sport itself.
Supporting transgender kids is about recognizing that some people’s experiences are different and finding ways to help everyone feel safe and respected. My friend’s child is doing much better with family support.
I was thinking about all this because a friend made a comment asking if I think “it’s OK for boys who pretend to be girls to use girls’ facilities, showers, bathrooms etc? Not teach biology (XX, XY). Allow boys to ‘beat up’ girls in the name of sports? Not doing anyone any favors.”
Having seen what my other friend went through with her child, I think these concerns come from a good place but miss what’s actually happening. This wasn’t a boy “pretending” to be a girl, or a girl “pretending” to be a boy – this was a child whose experience didn’t match what everyone expected. When that identity was ignored long enough, the kid almost didn’t make it.
We can work out the practical stuff like bathroom policies, sports rules, how to teach biology that includes both chromosomes and the complexity. But the starting point has to be recognizing that these are real kids with real experiences, not some political agenda.
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